Outnumbered, Outgunned

the moment i think of

bill
darren
artz
gums
the heldings
schenzel
kinny
fingers

lt

julie
brady m

m brady

I think about these people too often. Its amazing the cultural impact a place like Top Deck had in the city that I grew up in. I mean it. Bill and Darren, who I think dont talk anymore, were such a cultural force. When I talked to Bill he talked about how he even split from Darren. Which I did not expect.

I remember that I was hanging that hook board, what the fuck is that shit called. Driving Bill and Darren over there in the red suburban after school while they worked on it. I helped a little, and then suddenly it was over.

Honestly I dont understand why it was over, but it was over. I felt awkward and defensive about it my whole life.

I always felt like I made bad choices in my life. Like I walked away from great things.

I walked away from Sean. I know I was as smart as Sean. We came up together, since kindergarten. He was my best friend. Literally until the lunch room in 7th grade.

Then I remember clearly, looking around, and taking stock of what it was. What the shit was. Looking at Billy Grams, and Jeff Fox. Sitting at that room in the cold lunch room. By the ice cream sandwich machine.

So I remember that the guys from Rothschild were so much cooler than we were. I looked at Sean, and I knew that it was a differant path. Sean was not athletic, and it was never going to be that way.

Now Sean is a tenured PHd Member of the University of Wisconsin Faculty.

I look at the moment when I turned my back on Bill the same way. I dont regret it too much. I find the drugs to be bad. I really do. I am glad I did not spend that time in high school stoned. Trying to make others react, just to get them to react.

Watching Darren talk to Amy Snyder in Algebra 1.5 one day taught me what rebellion was. I know that I did not get it then, but I see it now. I saw that rebellion as empty, even then.

AC and I listened to my dad. Do your own thing...be your own leader. Have your own vision of your life.

Me
marsh
steve oss
AC
trowb
kurt lach
scott schif

I dont know if it was more fun. But I know it was not something that made me feel awkward.

When I would talk to Kinny or Fingers, it was always awkward. Like they were mocking me, and I never knew it. And really did not care.

I just think that I would have liked to have been Bill's friend in college, but that fucking guy was off his rocker then. Just freaky. We were at UWMC for a year together. And we never spoke to one another. I mean how is that even possible. We knew each other since like 4th grade, and I was too square to talk to?

I dont know. I used to resent it. But now simply I dont give a poop. I am 34, and have put it somewhere else in my head. I mean it is a mark on my soul, but not a big deal.

I wonder how Darren is.

Posted by Radiofree at September 30, 2005 02:29 AM | TrackBack