October 24, 2005


So I have been calling my southern friend for three days now. And I cannot find her. I mean her caller id must have 300000000000 calls from me. It started out with my wanting to share something with her, and now it has turned into something else.

I just dont know. She is never not home. I think it is strange. I think it is funny really, it showed me something about myself. The simple fact is I just wanted to call her and tell her something, I did not want to SHARE. I think all these years I have had such shitty self involved interaction with her its not cool at all. I have avoid sexuality in our relationship, thinking that I was rising above. I dont know. This sort of pulling away, and my willingness to at least cop to being self involved. I just dont even know how to do anything else at this point.

And on a totally unrelated note...I am running to violate the trust of a good friend again. It seems like this comes up often, a recurring pattern. Just getting lost in the exchanging,. and talking and talking , and knowing I am crossing lines, and just moving the line in and thinking that the fact that I have a line is enough, when in fact it is not.

Tomorrow night my brother and I found a new hockey league. It is in point. I am pretty excited. I just hope that it is fun, because he and I could use the fun. I just am excited to get ot play. To feel the joy of puck on the stick. I guess they have goalies. That means I am not going to score.

I cant shoot.

I love my brother.

I love Scott Holt too.


Posted by Radiofree at October 24, 2005 12:41 AM | TrackBack
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