Outnumbered, Outgunned

Not going to do it

I am not going to write a post that I have been working on

the moment i think of

bill
darren
artz
gums
the heldings
schenzel
kinny
fingers

lt

julie
brady m

m brady

I think about these people too often. Its amazing the cultural impact a place like Top Deck had in the city that I grew up in. I mean it. Bill and Darren, who I think dont talk anymore, were such a cultural force. When I talked to Bill he talked about how he even split from Darren. Which I did not expect.

I remember that I was hanging that hook board, what the fuck is that shit called. Driving Bill and Darren over there in the red suburban after school while they worked on it. I helped a little, and then suddenly it was over.

Honestly I dont understand why it was over, but it was over. I felt awkward and defensive about it my whole life.

I always felt like I made bad choices in my life. Like I walked away from great things.

I walked away from Sean. I know I was as smart as Sean. We came up together, since kindergarten. He was my best friend. Literally until the lunch room in 7th grade.

Then I remember clearly, looking around, and taking stock of what it was. What the shit was. Looking at Billy Grams, and Jeff Fox. Sitting at that room in the cold lunch room. By the ice cream sandwich machine.

So I remember that the guys from Rothschild were so much cooler than we were. I looked at Sean, and I knew that it was a differant path. Sean was not athletic, and it was never going to be that way.

Now Sean is a tenured PHd Member of the University of Wisconsin Faculty.

I look at the moment when I turned my back on Bill the same way. I dont regret it too much. I find the drugs to be bad. I really do. I am glad I did not spend that time in high school stoned. Trying to make others react, just to get them to react.

Watching Darren talk to Amy Snyder in Algebra 1.5 one day taught me what rebellion was. I know that I did not get it then, but I see it now. I saw that rebellion as empty, even then.

AC and I listened to my dad. Do your own thing...be your own leader. Have your own vision of your life.

Me
marsh
steve oss
AC
trowb
kurt lach
scott schif

I dont know if it was more fun. But I know it was not something that made me feel awkward.

When I would talk to Kinny or Fingers, it was always awkward. Like they were mocking me, and I never knew it. And really did not care.

I just think that I would have liked to have been Bill's friend in college, but that fucking guy was off his rocker then. Just freaky. We were at UWMC for a year together. And we never spoke to one another. I mean how is that even possible. We knew each other since like 4th grade, and I was too square to talk to?

I dont know. I used to resent it. But now simply I dont give a poop. I am 34, and have put it somewhere else in my head. I mean it is a mark on my soul, but not a big deal.

I wonder how Darren is.

Never Enough Hats

I am trying something new tonight. I put in the earplugs that Tony gave me. I think he gave them to me like 3 years ago or something. But I think I wanted to try to see what it would be like to not have to have music in my head. To have quiet if you will.

I can hear my own breath, do deaf people hear there own breath?

In case anyone is wondering, or wanted to get a hold of me...my email is

radiofreegeneral@gmail.com

Not that I think anyone really reads this hear blog, or really if I care too much if they do.

It turns out my buddy who I shall dub Shannon, he reads it. I want him to come on board and be my assisstant at the radio station, but he is starting his life now, college freshman. I dont know if he would be interested.

The other day Shawn and I went to UWMC. We had some meetings and what not to attend, and we ended up in the fieldhouse there. FUnny how I have lived here my whole life, and never once ended up there.

I had a basketball in my hand. I dribbled a few times. I shot a free throw. Heres the thing, I am stronger now than I was in 9th grade. I honestly remember having to muscle the ball to get it to the hoop. Now that is not the case at all.

I have a real desire now to own basketball shoes, and play team sports. I have always been fascinated with team sports. But now it seems like a cool thing.

I have a body reclaimation project happening now. I have the end of my membership at hte gym on Dec 24th. I am going to use that to get sort of a baseline of fitness, than I am going to join the new YMCA by my house, and work out with shawn. Though I dont know if I want to work out with him, as the workout time is traditionally my time. Solitary time. I have missed 3 opportunities to work out.

Dickie Betts and I agreed that giving David Lee Roth a copy of Get in the Van would be a huge mistake. But so it goes. We just know that he would miss the point of it all together.

Right now I am reading Clintons book, along with the book on Truman, but David McCullough. The Truman book is better, and more complete, but Clinton has an easy voice in his writing.

About a decade ago I decided to create a bibliography of my life if you will. It is a nice blue notebook on my shelf. I document all the books that I read, and I document all the magaziune articles I read that matter. Sort of just keeping my documentation skills sharp.

If I go back to college, maybe library science is the way to go. Follow Amanda W(hey Will which Amanda am I talking about?) footsteps. That girl was so amazing. I cannot imagine that I chose Jackie over her. What would my life have been like if I had been with Amanda?

That is a great idea. Lets run that down.

Knowing More

It is just athing, at a certain time I dont want you to talk to me

Massive CAPacity Flash Phone

The CTIA conferane is going on. Who knew? Who cared?

Can we talk about what were giving away?

I am listening to the engadget podcast...and the thing is this...it only is inspiring me in the way that they are setting up new media models. I mean BEST BUY is on board with them. I just keep thinking that there has to be a way to get in on this issue. I really want to think about it, to find a way to put some new media in the world.

I am concerned that NTC is not on base with the station, so then were going to lose something in the struggle, I mean I might be totally wrong. I mean simply put, I just had a bad meeting , and I might be over reacting. I am sure that they are going to come to me and let me know what is going on.

www.diggnation.com

I tend to think that NTC is going to come through with the money that I am interested in doing. It is pretty cool that I might be totally wrong about this whole thing.

I am considering going to a new phone soon, a new cell phone. Should I go blackberry? We had the RIM product here at the station, and it was awesome. I like the BLACKBERRY a lot, but I dont think that the functionality applies to my ibook, and if it cannot work with the ibook. My life is in the ibook.

I need the ibook.

My man Sam, from the station, who I will refer to as Billy Joel...is considering coming in at the station as the new Volunteer Coordinator. The fact is the Billy Joel is a cool guy. He is young, and the simple fact is I think he can be inspiring.

Looking

Theres a moment, a moment when we look into one anothers eyes, and we know that its okay. That the other person is right there, with you. And that is the only moment we want. The moment when things fit, and sort of click together to a sense of connection.

You dont need to know the person, but your bound to kiss. And its bound to be okay.

I just want that again.

That, and faith. faith in knowing that something larger than me sees me. that I am in fact not invisible.

Going back to Timbuk2

I just cannot get my head around the fact that my messenger bag is simply so fucking awesome, and I dont use it. It upsets me. A little less everyday, but it still upsets me.

What bags do I have now, and I should get rid of some of them...

...that yellow thing from kim...i liked it because it made me think of nicole kidmans bag in the interpreter...and I like that bag visually

...my jansport super sac...bag for life. Simply the greatest.

...the volcom bag david lee roth got me. I love this bag because of the laptop sleeve. I really love that.

...the timbuk2 bolo...another bag for life. did you know I spilled a gallon of bleach in it, and it did nothing to it. That is exciting stuff.

I have a nike gym bag that I have never really liked, and a bag from the mirage that I won in vegas. i got one, and mario got one.

tomorrow is my moms birthday. so I am having angela make up a flower arrangement for her. so that is good. mario is taking her out to dinner.

I have sort of let the volunteers go a bit. I just am not interested in taking them on. I just dont know what to do now. I sort of got a real sense of floating from the administration this week. and there is nothing and no one that can fix it.

I gotta hire a cleaning lady.

The burn out

I just think that right now, I am burnt out. I wore a baseball cap to work today. I am tired of this shit. How many more times am I going to get kicked in the ass, and work for other people.

Did I not hear my dad say it over and over again...never work for someone else. Work for myself, and that is the only way.

I am at the whim of this institution, and there is nothing I can do about it. The essence of this issue is the commitment that we have for the radio station, and how the institution feels in this situation.

I am listening to Open Source, with Chris Lydon. It is an old podcast...the one about NOLA blogging, and Craigslist. I wish I could meet Chris Lydon.

My depression is thick. It is really bad today. I know that I should be medicated, and what not, but I simply think that changing my patterns is going to be enough.

I dont feel joy. I just dont.

Come By After

So I came home from work yesterday, and I laid straight away on the couch. I brushed my teeth, and took my pants off, and pulled the synthetic blanket up over me. And I was out. Depressed, just blackness. Tired of the struggle.

Today at work my bosses(I have two now) and I sat down with the Cheif Financial Officer. And it pretty much came down to this...if I dont get the money in its entirity for next year, its over. So come by after July 1, 2006. See where I am.

I dont get the support needed from the institution. I have taken on this task, and simply it is impossible. I am charged with creating programming, maintaining a relationship with the FCC, keeping us compliant...and now I am in charge of fundraising.

I tend to think that I am going to be spending the next few weeks thinking about the whole resume thing. Mainly I am thinking about returning to school. I look at the people around me, and the simple fact is that the only thing that stands between them and I is discipline. I simply did not have it in college. I was too scared.

I know I am smarter than most. But I dont work at it at all. I just have found that I lost that sense of meaning.

It is my moms birthday on wednesday.

I have decided that I need to reevaluate the whole celebrity name thing. I just have gotten some feedback that it is confusing. I dont know if it is confusing, or my blogging style just sucks ass.

Tonight everything is bad.

Come see me after

Home

In case some of you were wondering why I am home tonight...they decided to give me the night off at Scott Street Pub.

Fucking idiots.

I was glad about the whole thing...I mean seriously, let fuckingBrady watch Dave Steffen. I have never dug that band, so why should I waste an evening there.

I need one more Scott Holt gig, and then I am done.

Hip Hop

I am a 34 year old man, and nothing has meant as much to me as hip hop. Punk rock is a very close second, but honestly, when I was 15 to 20...it was hip hop.

Greatest MC's

1. Rakim...Like the cat from Rolling Stone said...Hip Hop was moving along, and Rakim was so strong that Hip hop had to turn the corner around him.

2. LL Cool J...like 15 albums. Answers every dis. The GOAT...Greatest of All Time...like he says

3. Chuck D...I am going to give this to the power of PE. Nothing changed my view of what music could be sonically like PE.

4. NAS...Listen to One Mic, and tell me he is not right there.

5. RUN DMC...I know its three guys. But they are the GODS

Why I like what I like

Years ago I detached my brain. I pushed it away. I pushed away the discussion of art, and food, and music, and whatever else. I stopped talking about things like this.

Talking about love is like dancing about archetiecture.

I read that somewhere or saw that somewhere. And I think I took it in.

I let you go on your discussions on why a wine is significant. And I dont mind in the least that your doing it. In fact I am happy you talk about it. But I dont understand those things in any real way. I never will, the reason I know I never will, is because I choose to turn my head away from them.

I drink Mt Dew Pitch Black, and it makes me laugh. Its grape flavor, its delivery of ceffeine. I dont know much more than that. It has bubbles, and I suppose I like that sensation on my tongue.

One night a new friend was telling me about how she bought wine by the case at the grocery store, and how I should really meet the manager of the alcohol department. I immiediately wanted to punch her in the face, and I felt such shame.

Is a life less examined one that cannot speak to food, or art, or whatever? Do I miss out on that because I dont choose to speak about it, and its significance? Is there significance in a nice black bean burrito? I dont know.

I think that in the last 6 years I have chosen to read things in a totally differant way. To explore a differant part of the world, and differant part of my life. The emotional part.

it draws me to the work of Mike Ness. The emotional defiance that is embodied in that man is significant to me. Teh ability to sing a love song. And really mean it. I mean really mean it.

I would love to be able to sing a song to a woman, and have it hurt me so much that it cuts me. To have love hurt me so much taht my voice just drips it.

I think that is why I am drawn to the things I am drawn to, because I feel so disconnected from the world. I just need that emotional fuel to make my life possible.

Changing

Natas Kaupas and I talked about how there are politics to obesity. I think I agree. I really do. I am willing to conceed all the arguments about health and whatever...its a disease...that is fine. I got it. But for the sake of this episode in typing, I am going to ignore that.

For me, my weight has been a deal with sloth. it reflects my disconnection from the world. It reflects that I have money for food, and have a car, and am able to sit and do nothing all day...and not give a shit.

When I gained weight...I did not care about the planet...I did not care about the country at all. I just wanted to sit on the couch, watch movies, and eat corn dogs.

An engaged person carries there body as a connection of there politics. I believe that as I have come back to thte world, I have changed my world view of food. I have given up meat. Become conscious of my health.

I think this is a connection of the Rollins idea I heard so long ago.

I am tired. and I want to sleep. I will expand this later

Imminent Surgery

So I am 34, and really have not been to the doctor in a while. I think that this year will be the year of returning to the doctor.

I went to the ear nose and throat guy. Turns our that my palatte is 80% too big...or blocking my airway. So I have a sleep test coming up in a few days...then lazer surgery.

I wonder how my voice will change.

I am home tonight, and I am tired. I have sort of let myself go to this point where there is nothing but the rigid discipline needed to return to what I wanted to be years ago. I completely dont know how the man I remember at UWM became the man I am now. Just how long has this depression lasted. A decade? What is the key to finding some joy in this?

When I see Natas Kaupas, it is inspiring, and humilitating. He got me thinking about the politics of obesity. And while it is a horrible idea, in the coffee house liberal sense...its a lot of fin to consider that sloth leads to obesity in some cases. And this sloth is in fact something that is a bad thing. On every level.

Dissillusionment.

The other day I spoke to Wendy for a long time. God I wish I was a man that she could be interested in.

Black, Jewish Female Ninja Democrats are the Furture

So today I went to the dentist. Dr. John Krasowski. I say his name in case someone in my home town reads this, and needs a dentist. It was a total awesome thing. The fact is I am terrified of dentists. We all know this. Or at least anyone who knows me knows this. I have been deathly afraid since I was a child. But today was a good experience. I had broken a tooth, and he put some thing on it. It turns out that the fillings in my teeth were expanding, who knew? And it is this expansion leads to teeth breaking.

Damn right I am changing this.

He also talked about how Dr Beier was a hack.

I feel like I am losing the internal battle at work. The institution is off doing other things, and I have not been paid attention to in a long time. I think that they are confident in my abilities...and I hope that it stays that way.

But then again I have my eval coming in the next week or so, and am terrified of what that will be. I have consistently not done well with these things.

Today I bought a STOOGES box set, and about ten books from the bookstore. Tomorrow I need to renew my gym membership, and get to the DMV. I dont know if I have any appointments, and I certainly hope that I do not.

I really like the parker jotter. It is a good pen.

Ness as Sinatra

So my good friend Natas Kaupas and I and david Lee roth went to see the might Social Distortion at the Rave last night.

Natas said that Mike Ness is not Bob Dylan...he is Frank Sinatra. I think that was a good thing.

Reading reading reading

http://slavishemulation.blogspot.com/

since i dont know how to alter the damn blog appearance, from time to time I will send in a link.

This is a blog I read. I like the language of Simple Simon. The way it trips my tongue. Its good.

About You often

I think about you often. Your out there, doing something vastly differant than me, living your life on differant terms. I feel like an outlaw in a wild western town. Taking the things I need, when I need them from time to time. Not really paying attention all that hard to what is going on around me. Just working on the things I need.

Its been a while since I felt something like you. Actually I dont know that I have ever felt anything like you, or since you. I feel that inspiration so infrequently now. The power that we felt, the intensity of our youth, the fighting power of a city that we loved, a life we created. God knows how we did it.

I remember being at my house, going to the Kane house, walking down to Downer. Stopping at that Ice Cream joint, going and sitting in the back, at the stupid table behind the door, eating for some reason other than hunger.

What did we do with our evening? We did not have a tv. What the hell did we do with our time back then?

We sat at the union, studied, and I spent four years watching you study. Did you know that I dont think I studied once in high school. No wait, I know for a fact I did not study. The only time I thought about studying or any of that, was when you were my lab partner in Adv Bio. Dave Webber right there. Jay Freels. Two women. Brad Pietz. Matt Rahn. Sean Palecek sitting there, like buddha. Knowing more than all of us. My guilt at walking away from him in 7th grade. What did I walk into...expulsion...sports. A wasted 34 years.

What did we do in college? So we lived in the dorms...for one semester...you lived on that street with a curve. That february, after we came back boy friend and girlfriend, after spending all our xmas together...my waering that amazing UWM letter jacket.

Sleeping in that bed, was it a bed. it was a sleeping mat on a piece of plywood. Taking the nude photos of us.

I dont know where we came from, or where we ended up.

Women's reproductive health. Media Access.

I learned that significance from you. I turned to something else during that time.

How did the world not have the same experience? How did the world grow in to the E! Channell...and blind Melon fans. Reaading online newspapers on line, and not getting anything delivered. Nothing.

I wish we knew each other now. I bet we have a lot to offer.

Tuesday I am going to Milwaukee with david lee roth, and brandon flowers to see my favorite live band of all time...social distortion. I really like the sound of the guitars.

I dont know why.

In Meditation

Its in the moment of tiredness, when your aware of the actual flesh. When you feel the muscle clear through.

Do people roller blade anymore?

Hockey starts next sunday. I am so excited to see the guys. A few have gotten married, and a few have new babies.

Plus the Corvino brothers see the ice better than most. I love that I am good at playing hockey. No matter how heavy I am, I am a smart hockey player, I play well. As the season builds to badger state, I feel my body get better, and my heart and lungs respnd the way we need them to.

This year were bringing on a real coach to prep us the last few weeks. To put together some lines, and make sure that were ready. The guy has a NCAA national championship ring from BC. He is like 70, and honestly is such a smart player that none of us can play at all with him.

I wish the nelson boys played. But so it goes.

Does Kyra Sedgewick read the new blog?

I am off to read some of the OLD TESTAMENT, while I wait on clean clothes.

I have had no sexual contact in 12 months. It feels pretty good honestly.

BuggyWhip feels the Wrath

So yesterday was pretty damn impressive for car wrecks. So lets start off with the home stuff. I spent most of the day putting a new roof on a garage with my younger brother. We had just gone there to patch some holes, and naturally we decided to redo the whole thing, and it was amazing that we did that sort of shit. The nice thing is it is easy work. it is not advanced carpentry. There are devices built into the structure of a roof that makes it easy just to rough it out. So that was cool. The interesting and upsetting thing is this...that my family just does not think I have a job. I mean I can appear on TV, and people can hear me on the radio, but it appears that they dont think I have things to do to occupy my time. I know that 99% of my friends dont understand the idea of the Italian Family, and our closeness. But it is simply not possible to be separate from them, at any given time.

Anyway...so we got a good start...we cleaned it all off, stripping the roof. And tearing off the parts that we wanted to replace. Then today we spent the morning rebuilding the parts that we needed to. He and Steve that Handyman are there now, I am at the station.

So Buggwhip (www.buggywhipblues) broke up last on the stage at Scott Street. It was awesome. Dickey Betts got so drunk, and just stopped moving. I mean he stood onstage tuning for about 45 minutes, while his band was there looking at him getting more and more pissed off. They did not make it until midnight. It was amazing. Tom was so fucked up at the end that he was white, like death white.

The thing is this SUNSPOT (www.sunspotmusic.com) got just as plowed last week. But they love each other, so they just had a nice time with it. But the guys in Buggywhip dont really like one another, so they just sort of let it all blow out.

Dickey Quit, Micheal Anthony the bass player was an ass, and Alex Van Halen was so pissed off it was not even funny.

Two weeks in row it was fun, now next week it can suck. Dave Steffen...who needs that anymore. Not me.

Dream Last night

I had a dream last night that had woody allen ranting about how Anton Lavey was bad for satanism, and he was just a big fraud. Woody and I sitting in a room and some little mexican kid playing with a car, and my telling him to knock it all, calling him antonio.

I was pretty impressed with the fact that I spent the whole night on my bed, and have not slept on my couch in a few days. I dont know where that habit comes from, but I just assume that it is just a thing I picked up and rather than changing it, I keep going with it. I know that I dont like it.

My home swings from good to really really dirty in the course of an afternoon, and nothing and no one can change that. I just have to recover the differant peices like geography in a war. I have to reclaim the cupbord from itself. I just do.

I think so many people live there lives in reaction to other right now. I read these blog, and it seems like so much quoteing of hte newspaper in San Francisco or whatever. I should be quoting the Wausau daily herald...or the Austin Times Picayune. I mean what is the point of quoting some article about San Fran local issues. Were not in San Francisco...oh I guess it is the cute thing of man.

You know, I dont think man is cute. I dont think humanity and its issues are the things of pop culture. I dont think Newspapers are just kitsch. I look ath te the way some of us comment on these thing, our self centered crap, our pompous way of looking at hte world.

I dont like that. It makes me not want to read things like the things I read.

I dont honestly know what the point of my blog is yet, but I just dont want to live my life like a smarmy 17 year old mocking the teachers passion. That is what this is...were sitting in the back of the room, and laughing at the teacher for being passionate.

Its Dane Cole sitting in the back of the Chem lab with Dave Webber(both dead) mocking Bill Heeren for feeling the desire to teach passsionately. There rich parents bullshit rubbing off on them. There cool attitude, there unwillingness to engage the world passionately, there law school degrees in hand...there houses on pine island or east hill...engaging the world on some bullshit level.

Now I watch my generation be that generation. Running to east hill, running to the new volvo bmw vw saab bullshit mobile.

I mean who bought Norah Jones...my people. My age group. its all bullshit.

Do you see what passes for edgey in pop culture these days? I watch MTV from time to time...the arbiter of culture...and its Kelly Clarkson all hosed down. Like they could not even find a hottie to get wet. I mean was the edgey band on the MTV video music award fucking COLDPAY. OOH FREE TRADE. What the fuck.

Gone are the days of Nirvana and Pearl Jam and Guns and Roses.

The best we have to offer is Celine Dion nesting in Vegas. Elton John filling in for her when she needs a fill in.

I am just as guilty of this as anyone. I nest on the pop culture shit from time to time. For example right now I am working through season one of DEADWOOD from my friend Dicky Betts. But the cursing is amazing.

Speaking of Dicky Betts...his band is playing at Scott Street tonight. So that will be cool.

Fucked Up Work Study Kids

God damn this kid is not coming in when I need him to.

Agency

Two friend, and I have decided to take our motivation and make it real. To take a few local bands, and lend them some orginizational skill. To become agents if you will. So were meeting on Wednesday to work on that. I am excited with the opportunity. It seems like a great thing.

At work, I need to work on my focus. I have not done so well with that as of late. my internet addiction has sort of gotten in the way. I need to focus on finding my 100,000 dollars as soon as possible.

I just feel so many of the things I want to do, those things are on hold. The link is not right, the school has not created a path to cash for me. A way to recieive money. And these things are not the kind of things that I can do.

I have decided to help SGB create an all ages show. Nov 5th. Stall, Sunspot, Planet of 9.

I dont know how to work with these kids, but I will certainly work it out.

I got a new Volcom backpack. Its really really nice. My second favorite tool of its kind of all time.

All Time

Jansport Supersac...got sophomore year, on Steve Marshall;s urging. Never had a problem. Jackie got one, Jennie got one. My brother got one.

The New Volocom....it has a pocket that fits my ibook perfectly.

Timbuk2...its always been too big, but it is perfect for riding my bike. And it culturally is what I want.

On to Something Totally new

Tongiht I am redoing my digital rights management research. I will have a lifetime opportunity tomorrow. I will be going to Eastbay to see Russell Simmons speak to the staff there. I will be getting an interview, and I intend to speak on digital rights management. I want to see how the man who created the industry that created sampling, I want to see how his business model has changed to go along with it. I really wonder.

So today I went and bought a sony minidisk player. I am excited to use it for my interview tomorrow. I had wanted to get a marantz digital recordere by this point, but will be lucky to do my work with this thing.

Today I made a decision about Angela. He interest in me was purely selfish. What she could get from me. What she could attain. So the fact is I am not interested in sharing my life with someone who is not interested in sharing my life. If it is my job to be a recepticle for there shit, then I am really not going to be a part of it.

I am going to Houston on thursday to complete the engineering report for the station at the Astrodome. it is the least I can do.

significance

Wendy of SUNSPOT took this photo. And honestly I am shocked that she could pull it off. I mean I think by that point everyone was so drunk.

Its on there website. So that seems cool.

I think there is something funny, and sort of sick in this image. David Lee Roth is right there in front of me. And David has started to get a sick fascination with Mike Ness, it has gotten to the point of channelling him. Singing the songs as if they are his songs. I mean really...it seemed like the songs were written by him, and god they were not.

Salma was telling me that she had heard him talking about this sort of thing, and he crossed the line into crazy town.

I am right next to him, with a woman named Janet. It was Janets birthday, and she ended up nailing our bartender in the kitchen. I was proud of both of them.

Considering I think she is married.

The Only Sober Person in the Room

Drinking brings guilt in smart people. They feel sorry to be drunk around there sober friends. I know, because I am always there sober friend. I cant tell you how many people have apologized to me for being drunk around me. The fact is I dont care. I really dont.

I used to get really pissed off. But I dont anymore. I assume that everyone drinks, and everyone smokes pot. I just assume that you do. Your the exception if you dont. And your me if you dont do both.

I literally dont drink alcohol. Ever. It just is nothing I ever wanted to do. I think I heard the "Life is hard enough, I want to hit it with both eyes open and both eyes focused" from my man Rollins, and it touched me. My Dad had a lot to do with this.

He was a controlled guy around us. And a successful guy. So I thought that it was the better way to do things. He also made me tend bar when I was 14 at the 19th Hole. A really bad shit hole of house of alcoholics. It was not cool. It broke me of the COCKTAIL fantasy I had for drinking. Therer was just no way I was interested in doing it. Watching these men drink Pabst in a can at 7 am, just to get out of the house or whatever. There insane theories about how the hops are at the bottom of the glass and that is what gets you drunk. There names...Bones, Vince Augestine, Frank Augestine, Webb...so many more. Nibbsy. The Laporte Family, the Psybilski family so drench in family tragedy.

I just let go of the booze back then. I spent my entire time in Spain drunk. I mean I think I was gone like 6 months, and I was drunk the whole time. Drinking and chasing spanish girls.

In college I did not drink. In the five years it took to go to college, I went to one college party. One. Jackie and I never really did anything like that. Just did not.

So these days I dont mind at all. I dont mind people getting really drunk in front of me. I dont mind people getting stoned in front of me. The simple fact is that most people I know respect my choice. They dont understand it, but the fact is they just accept that I am the guy who does not drink.

The only time I get pissed off is when I am working on things like Blues Cafe. Then I get pissed off. But that is not often. And even then, I ahve started taking a larger approach to the whole deal.

So M...(and you need to pick a celebrity name for yourself)I dont get mad being the only sober person in the room.

SUNSPOT GETS WRECKED

www.sunspotmusic.com

Simply put, I had a lot of time laughing last night. I like the beautiful trainwreck. I am not expecting excellence. I see music every week, live music three nights a week. So I want the unexpected. I want the outstanding. Everyone puts on there best show, and delivers the things at the best of the ability. Every now and again it is great when a great band cannot get there, but have so much fun trying. And there energy still sticks it out, and stays really positive.

So last night Sunspot showed up. They are tied for my favorite wisconsin band of the moment. Tied with Stall.(www.stallweb.com). They are a power pop thing, rocking and laughing and singing, and doing it all really fun.

So last night they started talking about how they just wanted to party and have a good time. And well I have an unlimited tab, and I just used it to no end. I totally fucked them up. They just had no more gas left. They were so drunk on stage, all the wheels came apart.

Ben the guitar player lost his shoes. I mean literally lost his shoes. They were gone. he could not find them, and had no idea of how they got off his feet. How does that happen really?

Mike the singer bass player, was shirtless and puking onstage last night. Throwing his shirt at the people unwilling to dance. Leaving song in the middle of a song to vomit.

Wendy, the drummer...she reverted to like a 12 year old girl at the music store hitting cymbals because they sounded pretty, and flicking me off from the stage. Now that is amazing.

At one point ben was playing one song, mike was singing a second, and playing a third, and wendy was just playing the cymbals.

We put together an after party, and after lots of vomiting...we got there. Everyone just laid down and went to sleep. The after party was like ten minutes of just me laughing and telling them how great tehy were. Then I leave and drive home. It was so great.

I mean I know the argument about being professional, and I totally know that SUNSPOT is amazing. Shit there the two time WAMI award winning band. They area amazing. So good it so rare to see something like that. But to see them blow one off, thats awesome. And its not like I dont see great bands every weekend.

David Lee Roths band played too. COOL HAND. I just owrry that he is just simply doing a Mike Ness impersonation. I mean there is nothing cooler than Mike Ness, but the fact I can think of how it is percieved to those around me.

I met a girl named Janet last night. it was her birthday. She was making out with the bartender Brent. So that was good for him. She is 32, and deserves a little bad boy bartender action.

I met some 22 year old punk rock girl named Melissa. She got so drunk she reverted to just hitting boys to get there attention. She was pretty cool when sober.

I met a few other people...Brandon Flowers brought some girl Melissa down. She seemed nice.

We Should

We should all own

Pet Sounds...The Beach Boys
Innervisions...Stevie Wonder
Live at the Apollo...James Brown
A Love Supreme...John Coltrane
The Birth of Soul..Ray Charles
Greatest Hits...Sly and the Family Stone
Back to Mono...Phil Spector
Otis Blue...Otis Redding
Star Time...James Brown
In the Wee Small Hours...Frank Sinatra
At Last...Etta James
New York Dolls...New Yoirk Dolls
New Orleans Piano...Professor Longhair
Live at The Roxy...Social Distortion
The End of Silence...The Rolliins Band
Fun House...The Stooges

I added the last three, the list was someone elses.

Fuck the Institution

So today even my key does not get me in the door. I cannot beleive that this shit is going on. I mean I have fucking vols like crazy who all want to get in the building. I mean I really do not think this is going to be something that goes well for me on monday. I mean I am pissed off about this.

So my good southern girl told me that I needed to get some focus on my blog, to serve readers better. So I suppose I am going to do that sort of thing. But before we get started I am going to set the cast of charecters.

The Cast From my life

Salma Hayek
Ed norton...Graphic Designer, Mt biker, Mac User, dating Salma
Gary Oldman...My oldest friend really. Reintroduced into my life.
Kyra Sedgwick
Kevin Bacon...yeah there together in my world as well
Natas Kaupas...went from skateboarding to fashion, seriously a cool dressed cat and an old friend. My partner in just about everything
Brandon Flowers...another graphic designer
Ashley Judd...the greatest female I have never met, and soon to take over the singing duties from Scott Holt
My Mom and My Brother
Marcus the Communist
Dickey Betts...up and coming guitar player

I dont know who else is going to be included but those are the ones that I can see talking about right now.

I think today I am going to learn the lesson of letting go of anger, and jealousy. For example the couple Russell Crowe and Charlize Theron are getting married. I have known them since I was like 10. And I did not get invited. So that is fine. I mean honestly I am not in public enough to get any contact with them, but so it goes.

The thing is, I would not even have been comfortable going if I had been invited. I dont know why, I just did not want to go.

Reading the Bible on Friday Night

Titus 2:1-8

Your job is to speak out on the things that make for solid doctrine. Guide older men into lives of temperance, dignity, and wisdom, into healthy faith, love, and endurance. Guide older women into lives of reverence so they end up as neither gossips nor drunks, but models of goodness. By looking at them, the younger women will know how to love their husbands and children, be virtuous and pure, keep a good house, be good wives. We don't want anyone looking down on God's Message because of their behavior. Also, guide the young men to live disciplined lives.

But mostly, show them all this by doing it yourself, incorruptible in your teaching, your words solid and sane. Then anyone who is dead set against us, when he finds nothing weird or misguided, might eventually come around.

I am sitting home on Friday night. Bothered by the news I heard from Brandon Flowers. I think that honestly in my life, the idols are these...

Iggy Pop
Jerry Lee Lewis
Johnny Cash
Russell Simmons

This is all significant because in the next week Mr. Simmons will be in Wausau. America's first black billionaire. The founder of def jam. The creator of hip hop culture. The brother of Run.

Tomorrow is Charlize Theron and Russell Crowe's wedding. I did not get invited. So it goes.

Russell Simmons is going to be in town. How is that even possible? It is my intention to see him. I just want to see him. To know what he looks like. I have nothing to offer a man like that, but I want to see him.

My friend Bill Danforth is talking to me more and more about Moleskin notebooks. I cant do that. I cannot in good faith to the ideals I created so long ago buy a notebook for 12 bucks.

Can you?

Newspapers

God what do I think of this? What is the internet doing to the dissemination of information?

I am looking and listening to Craig from Craigslist

There is a deep change in journalism happening. It is just an easy thing to watch, but the fact is I want in.

Newspapers should not think of themselves as things, but rather PLACES.

PLACES.

I gotta get my station online. I gotta get the work started in a real more sort of work. I need that we need to move something forward.

Middle of the Night

Man if this tool would have been available in college, god knows what sort of brilliance might have ensued. Did you know that I never had email in college? We had two giant power pcs in the house, and Jackie and I had a mac classis. The pwoer pcs were for kirk and kirs to do there CAD work for school. The Mac was for Jackie and I to type papers. This was for me more than her. The printer must have weighed 100 pounds, it was insane. I still have papers that I typed on a typewriter in the commons area of Sandburg hall. I really dont know what was happening. I just never paid attention to this in college. And god do I now look back on it as a mistake.

What must college be like now? What are the tools on the campus everyday? I mean I look at my life now, and the ibook is a tool I can barely leave my house. I mean I just cannot see how it is even possible.

I carry a PDA most everywhere I go. I just dont know what is in it. I decided though that a while ago I loved my day planner so very much, and the PDA I have is a great extension of that idea.

I mean I sat in a classroom and argued about books I did not read. I took notes on big ideas, and thought I was doing something. And I really was not. I might have about a year in me, depending on the madison thing...and then I am thinking college again in areal way.

I am the FOUNDER of this station. But I want to develop some skills that will carry me forward. It amazes me that I cannot imagine going back to UWM after the things I am doing now. I really dont give a shit about ad sales, or voice or whatever. It just does not even matter. My concerns are bigger than that. Bigger than content in many ways.

I am more concerned about access than anything else in my life. God how Marcus the Communist has affected me. Its boggling to my little mind.

I mean I simply was a public enemy political guy before marcus, and now I am something else all together. I would have never considered access to be such an issue. And I have moved way beyond marcus on this issue, but still I am there for it. It is the defining issue in america.

The manipulation of libraries and research facilities, the co-opting of hte news through editorial policy dictated by something other than news, the blog ospheere attacking the world in a new way. In a new unmanageable way.

Hey Will...the next time your in town would you like to try to play tennis?

I miss tennis. I have not played tennis since I spoke to Todd Trowbridge. God has it been that long. Has this downward slide into some version of adult lack of physical activity been that long in the making. God help me. No time in the gym overcomes my loss of joy iwth my physical form.

I own and enjoy snowboarding, and have gone each year since I learned. But the thing is I go less and less. And now I feel as if I have sort of gotten past that sort of envelope.

Speaking to Gary Oldman the other day brought back so many images. So many ideas, so much reality. I look at the thing with Jackie. The isolation I felt as an 18 year old boy that led me to that. How isolated she and I were. How much of a mistake it was.

But in regards to Gary Oldman...he and I talked about how he needed to let people move past what they were in high school. And the thing is, I think I would have liked to have the two of them meet, and watch them NOT BE ABLE TO DO THAT. I mean they would not be able to be other than her and him, in those high school roles. And the fact is that she is amazing. Even now. really now more than ever. Womens health, focusing on reproduction. How amazing is that? Gary on the other hand has sort of an impending identity crisis thing coming, and he hints about the conflict between the country club and who he is.

I tend to think that Gary is going to be a nonprofit warrior his whole life. And I think that what will change in the next few years is the type of warrior he is. I wish he could turn that brilliance over to the issues of access or FCC reform...but I dont know him that well really. He might like the golf thing. he might like the wine tastings.

I dont judge him for that. In fact I am jealous of him for that. His sophistiaction. His ease at flowing into that world, built out of what I never will know, but built out of something none the less. I respect that. I still have too much of my fathers bullshit layering who I am. I feel less and less of it everyday, but Istill have it laying around.

Seeking God

Some say God is in all of us. All we need to do to see the divine is look inside ourselves. I really hope that is not true. The simple fact is that inside, its a swirling, and only on occasion do I grasp what is occuring. It is an exception, rather than a rule.

I dont know that God is in me anymore. I think God is in my life, I really do believe that. But I dont know that God is in my life in some internal way. I think that is one of the holes I feel left behind in. I mean I have sought connection my whole life, really sought it out.

I have never felt connected to my church, or the things within the church. I have gone, and loved the singing. The best time being when I went with Sean Palecek as a young man on sundays at St Therese. it was amazing to walk up that hill and go to church. I know now that his parents had to be fucking during that time.

Its funny how things look vastly differant looking back at them.

Back to God...it is a yes or no...seek or reject him. I feel strange because I reject most of his servants here on earth. But I should not I dont think. The fact is there faith may be heartfelt, and I might just be a cynical 11th grader ripping them. Did I ever stop being the intellectually snobby child thumbing my nose at things.

I dont see the future being good

Mounting a Cat on the wall

So I am coming to the end of my time with my Motorola v400. I have sort of decided to go with a v555, and am excited about the whole thing. I think that there is sort of a growing trend to move to one device. I mean I have three things right now. I have the ipod 20gig now, and a palm zire, and my cell phone. I am exited by each tool, and think that they come in handy. I think that there is nothing cooler than the connectivity issue. The idea is to make sure that I am connected for the day. And I like it.

I have been listening to TWIT today. This week in tech. Its amazing.

I cannot really focus on the typing, as I keep hearing people talking into my ears

Long Time Good thing

So I spent a few hours on the phone yesterday with Gary Oldman. It made me so happy. The thing is this, I bet I was carrying that negative energy in regards to Gary for so long. I honestly never understood the issue with him as a man anyway. The simple fact is when we stopped talking I never understood it. I totally did not get it. I also think it was so long ago, that I forgot what is going on, but it was nice to talk to him on some level like that.

I am going to run away for a bit. I just am tired.

Okay, so the thing is this...I dont know how to upload fotos to this thing, and there is no real easy way to do it.

RL Burnside Passes

www.fatpossum.com

Its important that if your reading this blog, that you go see the Fat Possum website. A guy I know passed away.

I dont know where I met him, down south somewhere, maybe King Biscuit. But not a lot of people have touched me SONICALLY like his playing did.

He was one man. Drunk a lot of the time. Chasing the women. Knocking them up. Just being a human blues song. And amazing embodiement of the blues.

His guitar work was slow, rough, sloppy. Overdriven, loud. It was what I thought I had always wanted to see in a guitar. Just banging. Pounding on a guitar in a primal sense. Just pushing and pushing the instrument with no technical expertise at all.

Just making the noise that you need to hear.

It shook me.

The first album I heard was MR WIZARD. That crazy cover with a black man in wizard hat, with women on there knees around him. It was amazing. Then songs of sex, and drunkenness.

All primitive, like it was right here.

I am sorry your gone RL, no one in Wausau gets to see you now.

My Country

I am terrified to be an american today. I really am. I mean what has happened to our country. How do we not know what is going on? I mean the levees in NO have failed. They just failed. How do we not use our best and brightest working on infrastructure?

I know NO ONE who is about serving the common good. I know no person who seeks to serve his fellow man. I just dont know what they are talking about them and there personal growth bullshit.

It bothers me. I mean I am a personal growth kind of guy, but I think that at a certain point Americans need to put down our personal crap, and work on the issues helping our contry.

I mean why cant we build roads, and fluid transport, and information pipelines.

Why are corporations sitting on the best brains, and not offering up the geniuses for our help?

Thank God my Alabama friend is okay. I dont know if she was even close, but I am glad that she is okay.

But I am saddened by this country.